It’s not officially Father’s Day. But let’s say for a moment that every day is father’s day. Not a day when fathers eat whatever they want without scrutiny, watch hours of sports on TV, receive handmade Father’s day cards, slippers, and/or electronic gadgets, but a day when dads are encouraged and respected for their parenting skills. I know what you’re thinking: not an easy task given the lack of support in the private and public sectors for paternity leave and stay-at-home fathering. It is common in the first months of parenthood for even the most evolved couples to slip in to more conventional roles. Mom becomes primary nurturer and parenting expert, while Dad is relegated to glorified equipment schlepper and parenting sidekick.

It’s understandable how this happens, and why in some ways, it’s necessary. Particularly in pregnancy and the early months of parenthood, moms are in much closer physical contact with the baby. There is an early immediacy and attunement to the baby’s needs. While all other aspects of their lives have been upended, particularly if they are not returning to previous work or vocations immediately, moms can focus in on the baby and spend lots of time trying to figure out what works and what doesn’t. It’s a new area for a woman to feel competent and powerful when the other areas are temporarily, or permanently gone. But what moms know or think they know, only applies to their own relationship with their child, not necessarily to anyone else’s, and especially not their partners.

While moms are clocking the hours at home, Dads are usually thrust back in to the work world and are not given the same time to really learn their own ways with baby. If you add in a newly minted expert mom with a tendency to over-control and criticize, a dad will withdraw or defer more and more in response.

So what’s the remedy? For starters, here’s a bit of advice:

Moms:
– Put your man in charge as often as possible. He can do everything you can, in his own way, except whip out a boob and nurse. Don’t hover. Walk away, leave the room. Hey, if you can, leave the house.
-Resist being a Know It All. Resist perfectionism. Let him figure it out his own way. If that means your kid is wearing striped leggings and polka-dot onesies, or no hat on what you perceive is a cold day, so be it. The trade-off may be an over-stimulated and nap-deprived baby who’s had a fantastic day at the zoo with daddy, but it will be worth it. Let some other, nice (or not so nice) woman on the street be the one who says, “That poor baby needs a hat/nap/bottle/diaper change” or “Excuse me young man, that onesie is on inside out/backwards/belongs on the body, not the head.”
-If you’re having a particularly hard time letting go, and it is causing you undue anxiety, ask yourself what else might be going on that has nothing to do with your partner’s parenting prowess? Are there other areas of your life that seem out of control? Are there other reasons for not trusting your partner? Are you overly influenced by the examples of friends and family?

Dads:
-Try not to ask, just DO. Clock as many hours with your baby or toddler as possible. Take risks and be bold in developing your own nurturing and play styles. It is highly unlikely you will traumatize, drop, freeze or poison your kid. But do be realistic, if you really need direction from Mom or that nanny in the playground who’s just dying to give you some advice, ask for it nicely, and accept her influence.

And Everyone:
-Make sure to read In Defense of Dads, Part Two, to be posted here tomorrow, where I’ll share some researched facts on why paternal involvement is so important to the physical, emotional, and intellectual development of children.
-But in the meantime, shake it up, relax and take some role-reversing parenting risks. Not only will your baby reap the rewards, but your relationship will benefit as well.

Originally published in A Child Grows in Brooklyn on April 6, 2009

In Defense of Dads- Roughhousing Is Good?!

In Part One of “In Defense of Dads” I talked about how important it is for dads to stay involved with their kids and how moms need to step aside and let dads step up. Not only is this crucial for the health of marriages, but it’s vital for the emotional, physical, and intellectual health of children as well.
And here’s what the experts have proven:

If you’re available, affectionate, and you play lots of high energy, rough and tumble games with your kids, they have a better chance of:
Positive self-control
Positive friendships
Better social skills and emotional intelligence
Better problems- solving skills
Better verbal skills
Better performance in school, higher scores on tests, better overall grades
Better emotional self-regulation
Less anxiety and shyness
Higher scores on intelligence tests

• Rough-housing turns out to be really great for young kids. Moms may cringe, “Stop, someone’s gonna get hurt!” while dads play rough. But parent-child games that spikes in energy and physicality are more than just fun, they’re great for brain development. Studies show that a few rounds of play-wrestling do as much if not more than farm animal puzzles or quiet reading for stimulating intelligence and self-regulation. So dads, get down and do your high-energy thing. And moms, let your partners keep tussling, tossing, and bouncing your babies. Encourage it. And hey, if you’re so inclined, join in to help foster the development of a bright new mind.

If a father is fair and firm and involved in a caring, compassionate manner, when a child is older there’s a much better chance:
They won’t abuse drugs and/or alcohol.
They’ll become more caring, sharing adults
They’ll have better relationships with their wives/husband, kids, and community.

Fathers who are emotionally available, who listen and empathize with tummy aches and booboos, who don’t shush crying or whining immediately, who always start with a few soothing words, are the fathers whose children do better in school and have healthier relationships.

And, if you don’t believe me, check the data yourselves. Drs. John and Julie Gottman of the Gottman Relationship Institute, pre-eminent researchers on the topic of Transition to Parenthood have collected data from many studies, and done their own research to support these facts.  Believe it or not, our own government’s Department of Child Welfare has done so, as well.

Take it from the experts, but first and foremost, take it from your heart. Everyone, every parent: Go listen, go play and go have some fun!

Originally published in A Child Grows in Brooklyn on April 7, 2009

I lied to my kid. You should too.

This may sound like odd advice from a supposed parenting expert, but I believe it is sometimes important to lie to children, that ‘good’ lying is one of the cornerstones of positive parenting.

Let’s face it, all parents lie, and those who say they don’t, aren’t telling the truth. We lie to our kids to avoid conflict and public meltdowns. We lie to make our kids feel better about themselves, to shield them from feelings of failure or disappointment. We lie to our kids to make the world seem like a friendlier, saner place. All good situations for well-crafted lies in my opinion.

A good lie doesn’t serve a parent’s own needs, or allow a parent not to take responsibility for wrong doing or bad decisions. A good lie is well crafted to help create a greater sense of security and well-being in a small child, who can’t and shouldn’t have to process criticism, marital conflict, the insanity of war or random violence. Used wisely, a good lie can go a long way, especially with children under the age of eight.

Here are a few examples of do’s and don’ts of good and bad lying, and pitfalls to avoid.

• DON’T voice self-criticisms around your kids. Contain your tendencies to say “That was really stupid of me” or “I am such a fat pig” or “I can’t get it together”, even if you really believe it. You are a god to your child, and don’t forget it, even when they whine, “I hate you! You’re mean!” If your kid hears you refer to yourself as fat/lazy/stupid it sets them up to question their own self worth. (“If Mommy thinks she’s stupid, and I think she’s the smartest person on the planet, how stupid does that make me?”)

• DON’T expose your kids to your personal anxieties and fears. You may worry the world is going to hell in a hand basket. Your finances may be in the toilet. Your marriage may be falling apart. DON’T let on, lie. Put on an act, cultivate that happy face, even if you feel like Chicken Little and you’re convinced the sky is about to fall. Keep it to yourself, share it after bedtime with your partner, talk to a friend, or save it for therapy.

• DON’T fight in front of your kids. But if you do (and most couples do), here’s a lie I strongly suggest. You must “kiss and/or hug to make-up” in front of your kids, even if you’re still seething and eager to rip your partner’s hair out. It’s been proven that most kids younger than eight years old don’t understand any kind of apology other than a physical one. If your kids don’t see you “kiss/hug and make-up” they’ll think you’re still mad at each other and think it is their fault even if you tell them repeatedly it isn’t. So suck it up like grown-ups, lie and pretend everything is okay. Kiss/hug and make-up in front of them and save real resolution or further arguing for another time.

• DO admit to your own mistakes, but model self-reflection, not self-bashing. Let them hear you process a mistake and how you might do a better job next time. Let them hear you voice desires to be better at things you’re not so good at. But do this all with a heavy seasoning of self-love and compassion.

• DO shower your kids with praise. Hang every picture or finger painting possible on every surface you’re willing to give up, even if you think the artwork is pretty lame. Shower kids with kudos for klutzy dance performances or fumbled soccer games. Kvell over every effort, as long as they seem to be passionate about what they’re doing. Some parents worry that unconditional praise creates a false sense of mastery in children. That lying to them about your real opinion creates little ego-manical narcissists. I disagree. As children get older there are plenty of external sources of criticism for them to contend with. Wait until they’re school-aged to be more discerning, to help them identify their own likes and dislikes, strengths and weaknesses. Let your child’s inevitable exposure to failure and disappointment start from another source and your job will naturally shift to one of empathy and realistic expectations. But for now? Use lying as loving. Every effort your child makes is a nugget of gold.

Originally published in A Child Grows in Brooklyn on February 23, 2009

As I come off the high of the holiday season, I find myself thinking even more than usual about family rituals, the beauty and benefit of some and the stifling nature of others. At their best family rituals are grounding, connecting experiences. At their worst family rituals are boring senseless events we tolerate because of their cemented status in the bedrock of our family life.

If you’re lucky, you don’t have too many ritual obligations in your life, you have more ritual desires. Most of us have a bit of both, and when we get married and have kids, our stockpile increases in both categories.

Family rituals are fabulous for kids, providing a sense of security in a topsy-turvy world that even their competent parents (aka: YOU) have a hard time managing. Rituals help foster a sense of order and meaning in children’s lives. It is emotionally stabilizing for kids to know there will be a chicken dinner every Sunday, or two stories read every night at bedtime. Studies by the psychologists Stephen and Sybil Wolin have shown that kids who come from families with lots of rituals – ceremonial, religious, and the everyday – are less apt to indulge in destructive behaviors outside the home when they get older. So you may just have to suck it up and partake in boring rituals year after year, month after month, maybe even day after day for the benefit of your kids.

But no one says you can’t make things interesting and fun by blazing new ritual trails in the privacy of your own home. One of the great things about starting your own family is you can create new family rituals, and ditch some of the snooze-inducing, eye-rolling ones you grew up with. I thought it might be fun to share with you some rituals I’ve collected over the years from clients and friends to show you the range of ideas and ways families interpret the meaning of ritual. You have permission to steal any or all of them, by the way. If you have any family rituals of your own to share, by all means do so by leaving me a comment.

So if you haven’t already, start to create your own sampler of new and used family rituals. Who knows? If you do a good job, your kids might even continue them with their own families. Perhaps no new generations will ever feel bored, need to ask “can we leave yet?”, or ever have the need to roll their eyes, like ever!

• We make homemade waffles for breakfast every Sunday morning.

• Whenever we’d drive over a bump, my mother would step on the gas right at the top of the bump and our stomachs would jump and then we were supposed to say, “wham, bam, thank you m’am”.

• I would count the kids’ toes in the morning when they were waking up and would miscount intentionally, joking as if they had lost or gained toes over night.

• Ever since our son started school we have him tell us two things from his school day soon after he comes home, usually while he is having an after school snack. One or both of us will sit with him and give him our full attention for a few minutes before he’s off to doing homework and we are back to our work or tasks.

• Friday night lasagna. Everyone helps make it.

• Sabbath candle lighting.

• On cold mornings, before trekking off to pre-school, I would put my kid’s clothes in the dryer and heat them up before dressing her. She would wait naked under the covers of our bed. I would run in the room calling, “hot clothes, hot clothes!” She would laugh and smile as I put the warm clothes on her.

• We always play our own version of the alphabet game on long car rides.

• At bedtime my husband said “nite, nite, don’t let the bedbugs bite…(big pause)…ME!”. Not exactly deep in meaning and value, but still a constant in our lives and definitely something that gave structure and closure to the end of our kids days when they were young.

Originally published in A Child Grows in Brooklyn on January 26, 2009