Parents of small children often ask my advice on how best to prepare for holidays with extended family.  “Expect regression,” I suggest. “And I’m not talking about your kids. I’m talking about you.”

Sure, holidays are a time of comfort and joy, but they’re also times when our unmet needs resurface, readily triggered by sleep deprivation, travel stress, testy children, competitive siblings, clueless partners, and intrusive grandparents. And maybe you have some other folks to add to the list.

You may have awesome visits with your extended families throughout the year when you feel like a grown-up and are treated like one. But at holiday time, watch out. Family traditions can be great, but they can cause everyone to behave as if they’ve traveled backwards in time. Old roles get replayed, old expectations resurface, and that’s not always a good thing. It was stressful enough dealing with this stuff when you were really sixteen. Now it’s really tough. For some of us, ‘tis the season to go emotionally haywire, a self-sufficient adult one moment and a needy kid the next.

Early planning helps reverse the negative effects of holiday time warp. Have a strategy meeting with your partner to discuss possible events that could trigger one or both of you emotionally. Do this in your own home with time to spare, not while waiting for your seriously delayed flight, or in the car stuck in traffic. Agree on subtle non-verbal gestures to signal each other when you feel you’re slipping in to regressive mode. No mock stabs to the heart, or faux neck choking, please. Once you’re with extended family, take as many breaks as you can with your partner and on your own. Spell each other frequently with childcare. Go gangbusters praising each other in public and private.

For those without partners, make sure to have access to a good friend via e-mail, phone, or text messaging. Find a local cafe, mountain top, parking lot, where you can call that person and vent. Make it a ritual, at least once a day. If no one is available, vent your feelings in writing, but get rid of the evidence. Avoid the family garbage pail. The last thing you need is your mother finding out what you really think of her cooking.

Don’t choose this as the time to confront extended family members on long-standing issues. Honesty is NOT always the best policy, especially around the holidays when everyone is hare-triggered to behave like a spoiled brat. Pick non-loaded topics ahead of time, conversational tidbits that will keep your extended family engaged, but at a safe distance. Keep things as light and easy breezy as possible, even if you’re the kind of person who hates superficiality. Practice it. It’s a valuable skill.

Originally published in A Child Grows in Brooklyn on December 23, 2009