It’s easy to love kids. However it’s not always so easy to get them to do what we want. At some point even the most laid-back parents must command their children to eat, sleep, leave the home/playground/preschool, stop crying, get in their strollers, get out of their strollers, not swallow small objects, not eat garbage, not shove their friends or siblings…the list goes on and on.
Often kids don’t listen or obey because what matters to parents is of no interest or consequence to kids. Kids’ concerns are present-focused and immediate. What’s most important is usually right in front of them. The last Lego must be put in place. The missing doll shoe must be pulled from under the bed. Future pay-offs are hard for children to imagine, even if those pay-offs are for them.
In order to get kids to comply we need firstly, to acknowledge and empathize with their agendas, even if we can’t always give into them. We must never forget that their activities and desires are as important to them as ours are to us. That may mean tolerating a fair amount of whining and complaining which I urge you NOT to take it personally. It might help to think of it this way: when was the last time you did something you had no interest or investment in doing without some complaining? Maybe you vented a little to your spouse or best friend first. Maybe you sucked it up and suffered silently. But remember: you’re the grown-up. Kids don’t have the same communication or self-editing habits we do.
A daily family meeting to discuss the next day’s schedule is a great way to avoid future conflicts, plus it’s a wonderful way for kids to begin understanding time management and how family life works. Even pre-verbal toddlers have receptive language skills and can participate by listening to your conversations about ‘tomorrow’. Mommy has a meeting at her office at ten and will be gone all day, Daddy is doing pick-up from pre-school, Kid has a playdate with Kidfriend, tomorrow is trash day and pizza night. Have a large family calendar posted and added to during these talks. It’s a great way for kids to begin to understand the complexities of family life, and to feel some ownership over what occurs to them, and around them.
If kids are involved in planning they are less likely to pitch fits when previously discussed, scheduled events occur. Let your children in on hourly, daily, and weekly events well ahead of time and discuss with them how best to prepare for these events. Use an advanced preparation approach even when transitioning from the most mundane of activities, like bath to bedtime. Give kids a series of fair warnings; a half hour, fifteen, ten, five, one minute, time’s up, before changing activities. Don’t spring a sudden shift on them and expect them to go quietly into the night.
I suggest discussing potentially stressful events days in advance. Talk about how best to prepare, what to bring in case your kid will get bored, how you’ll all get there, who will be with you, what you’ll eat, who you might see, what might happen. Ask for your children’s input on “how to make things go better”. It’s great for kids to help you problem-solve: Studies have shown that collaboration on problem-solving helps foster sturdier self-esteem in children. So ask them: What’s the best choice of a restaurant for dinner with Aunt Sheila, what are the pros and cons of driving to karate class? What entertainment should we bring on the airplane ride?
Respond to every suggestion as if it is valued. Instead of, “No, that’s silly. We can’t bring the TV to a restaurant,” or “We can’t ride bikes to karate class,” or “We can’t bring your drum set on the airplane,” join in and say something like, “Wow. That’s a cool idea. I wish we could bring the TV to the restaurant, but I think it might be too heavy,” or “It would be fun to ride bikes to karate, but I think I might get too tired.” or “Wow. I wish you could bring your drums on the plane. I love when you play them. But I think they’re too heavy. Plus, there might be babies on the plane who need to sleep.” Whenever possible, add a “Not this time, but maybe another time.” so your kids don’t feel powerless, or that all their ideas just go in the trash can. And ask for a few more suggestions before you pipe in with your grown-up solutions. Who knows? Your three year-old might actually have some good solutions. Maybe even better ones than you.
Originally published in A Child Grows in Brooklyn on May 27, 2009