It’s not officially Father’s Day. But let’s say for a moment that every day is father’s day. Not a day when fathers eat whatever they want without scrutiny, watch hours of sports on TV, receive handmade Father’s day cards, slippers, and/or electronic gadgets, but a day when dads are encouraged and respected for their parenting skills. I know what you’re thinking: not an easy task given the lack of support in the private and public sectors for paternity leave and stay-at-home fathering. It is common in the first months of parenthood for even the most evolved couples to slip in to more conventional roles. Mom becomes primary nurturer and parenting expert, while Dad is relegated to glorified equipment schlepper and parenting sidekick.
It’s understandable how this happens, and why in some ways, it’s necessary. Particularly in pregnancy and the early months of parenthood, moms are in much closer physical contact with the baby. There is an early immediacy and attunement to the baby’s needs. While all other aspects of their lives have been upended, particularly if they are not returning to previous work or vocations immediately, moms can focus in on the baby and spend lots of time trying to figure out what works and what doesn’t. It’s a new area for a woman to feel competent and powerful when the other areas are temporarily, or permanently gone. But what moms know or think they know, only applies to their own relationship with their child, not necessarily to anyone else’s, and especially not their partners.
While moms are clocking the hours at home, Dads are usually thrust back in to the work world and are not given the same time to really learn their own ways with baby. If you add in a newly minted expert mom with a tendency to over-control and criticize, a dad will withdraw or defer more and more in response.
So what’s the remedy? For starters, here’s a bit of advice:
Moms:
– Put your man in charge as often as possible. He can do everything you can, in his own way, except whip out a boob and nurse. Don’t hover. Walk away, leave the room. Hey, if you can, leave the house.
-Resist being a Know It All. Resist perfectionism. Let him figure it out his own way. If that means your kid is wearing striped leggings and polka-dot onesies, or no hat on what you perceive is a cold day, so be it. The trade-off may be an over-stimulated and nap-deprived baby who’s had a fantastic day at the zoo with daddy, but it will be worth it. Let some other, nice (or not so nice) woman on the street be the one who says, “That poor baby needs a hat/nap/bottle/diaper change” or “Excuse me young man, that onesie is on inside out/backwards/belongs on the body, not the head.”
-If you’re having a particularly hard time letting go, and it is causing you undue anxiety, ask yourself what else might be going on that has nothing to do with your partner’s parenting prowess? Are there other areas of your life that seem out of control? Are there other reasons for not trusting your partner? Are you overly influenced by the examples of friends and family?
Dads:
-Try not to ask, just DO. Clock as many hours with your baby or toddler as possible. Take risks and be bold in developing your own nurturing and play styles. It is highly unlikely you will traumatize, drop, freeze or poison your kid. But do be realistic, if you really need direction from Mom or that nanny in the playground who’s just dying to give you some advice, ask for it nicely, and accept her influence.
And Everyone:
-Make sure to read In Defense of Dads, Part Two, to be posted here tomorrow, where I’ll share some researched facts on why paternal involvement is so important to the physical, emotional, and intellectual development of children.
-But in the meantime, shake it up, relax and take some role-reversing parenting risks. Not only will your baby reap the rewards, but your relationship will benefit as well.
Originally published in A Child Grows in Brooklyn on April 6, 2009